I turned nineteen today. But I still don't feel like a grown-up. The people I know my age seem to be doing so well—they're independent, making great money, managing life effortlessly. They're excelling in every aspect. How do they do it? I still feel like an idiot teenager, and I hate it. By age, I'm an adult, but in my mind, I'm still a child. It's so hard to catch up with this world.
At my previous birthday, I felt the same way, so I made many promises to myself that I would commit to change. But I couldn't keep them. I feel like a failure. I don't know if I'll ever be able to succeed or if I'll remain a failure like this forever.
If I look back from my last birthday until now, it's like this: I created WiredPhantom and maintained it—the website is one year old now, I guess. I did many things, but I failed in everything. I don't know anymore; I can't keep believing in myself. I met new people, got betrayed and used, and the cycle repeated. So many ideas were in my mind—I ignored most of them, acted on some, and guess what? I failed. I don't know if I can keep going. I took many important decisions, and most of them turned out awful. I'm afraid I'm going to mess up my life.
I feel like a failure. I mean, I wish I could be useful to others and not just trash.
But I can't stop. I need to keep going, going, and going until death comes for me. I can't go back, and I can't stop either. I'm like a footless bird.