I've written a lot of stuff but most of the time I don't post it here. I've even created full HTML versions, but at the last moment I usually decide not to share them.
I feel so different right now. I'm never good at knowing what I feel.
I just realized that I don't like cute stuff, or pink and white in general. I prefer black and white. But sometimes I find myself wanting to wear cute things, watch cute stuff—especially yuri.
Why is that?
I generally prefer simple, minimalist black things. The stuff I buy for daily use is very simple—black and white, no designs at all. My phone wallpaper is black, and my phone's theme is also black. I do this because it doesn't stimulate my brain as much. It doesn't feel tiring. Colors hurt my brain. They make me tired. I think I'm too sensitive.
I'm very sensitive—not only with visual things, but with everything. I get hurt easily. It hurts too much. I think too much. I see too much. I cry easily. I cry over silly stuff. Even in public, tears come out of my eyes, but I hide it immediately. I don't like when someone feels sad for me or thinks of me as a weak person.
I overanalyze even the most stupid stuff. If I try to suppress it, my brain won't let me. I can manage temporarily, but it will come back until I've figured out every single detail of an event. I hate it.
I hate myself for being like this. I wish I could be a machine and turn off all of my sensors, because they make me so tired.
But sometimes, when life gets out of control and something completely unexpected occurs (I don't like unexpected stuff), I find myself liking cute things—like pink and white. I watch yuri because I don't know why, but it's pure and wholesome. During these times, I find myself drawn to cute aesthetics. It makes me calm and helps me relax.
An unexpected and horrible thing happened today. I hated it. It ruined my mental peace. My brain was dying to overthink and analyze every single useless detail, but I was suppressing it. But I failed. I was so tired. Then I watched manimani.
I love this song. It always helps me in difficult times. It's not about the lyrics or even the story—it's the way everything is. The whole scene, the characters, and Ikura-san's voice. It's so beautiful and relaxing.
I feel so good now. Finally, I can be at peace for the rest of the day and do normal work.